Kiss Me, Kill Me
by kiss.pink
Summary: So a confused zombie, his sexy vampire girlfriend, her bossy witch-bitch roommate, his annoying soul-shifting neighbor, a grumpy werewolf and a random human walk into a bar...yeah, there is no punchline. "Okay, rules. Lucy, no blood. Erza, no spells. Gray, no pranks. Gajeel, no howling. And Natsu—oh my god, Natsu! Don't eat the bartender's brain! We're in public!" Only chaos. [AU]
1. Prologue: Stranger Danger

**_Disclaimer_** — I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Fandoms of Fanfiction. And to the lawyers for which law stands: one franchise, I'm under oath with a lack of invisibility...with...wait...— okay, I don't own Fairy Tail or any of the characters included in said anime-package. Please, don't sue me...

* * *

On a rainy day, I fell for you

— Rain Sound by B.A.P

.

.

He'd found her huddled under a wooden bench in that old park across the street from his apartment.

It had just started to rain—the sudden change in weather halting his evening jog and effectively worsening his already sour mood. He hurriedly pulled his hood over his head, letting loose a few choice words because now—"shit, shit, shit"—he was stressed _and_ wet.

He checked his watch. It had just turned 7:03.

A flash of lightening struck in the far distance—east, the roaring sound of thunder soon following. He jumped in shock, widened eyes flashing to his right as more lightening blinked into the night sky. And that's when he saw her. Lying on the rough concrete ground beneath a bench, attempting (rather unsuccessfully) to avoid the rain. Oh, what a strange sight it was.

He squinted his eyes, peering through the endless drops of rain to get a better look at the shivering girl. He bitterly smiled at what he saw.

Like him, she was dripping wet. Her brown locks clung messily to her cheeks. And like him, she was underdressed. Her baby blue sundress quickly became a second skin, similar to what his thin hoodie and red pajama pants had done to him. And, funnily enough, like him, she was pissed at the world. Her eyebrows furrowed when the rain decided to grow even heavier—ooh, such mockery.

It was as if he were staring into a mirror.

Perhaps that was why he began to approach her, one hand reaching out in her direction.

"Hey," he called. He knelt down beside the bench—his pants were now thoroughly soaked—curious onyx eyes meeting with a similar pair of dark brown. "This is a pretty stupid hiding spot."

She glared at him. "There aren't any better ones around."

"How about your house?" He sarcastically suggested with a smirk.

Her glare sharpened, lips pulling back into a scowl. "I can't go home," she grumbled. "I'm waiting for someone here."

"Gee, this Someone must be _super_ important to you if you're willing to catch a bad case of pneumonia waiting for him."

She rolled her eyes. "Why do you even care?" He flinched at her hostile tone. "Gee, a total stranger must be _super_ important to you if _you're_ willing to catch a bad case of pneumonia for not _minding your own damn business_."

He retracted his hand, raising both up in defense. "Woah, didn't mean to offend you, lady. I was just asking."

"Well now I'm _just asking_ for you to scram."

More booming thunder coupled with more blinding cracks of lightning.

He sighed as he stood up to his full height, absentmindedly flicking leaves from his legs. "Ah, this is what I get for being a concerned citizen. How saddening."

"Sorry but I didn't ask for your concern, Mr. Citizen," she barked, eyeing him warily when he continued to hover over her. "Now get going before my date shows up and kills you for harassing me."

He scoffed at her threat—she frowned. "So that's your Someone? A _date_?" He couldn't help but laugh—her frown deepened. "Don't tell me. It's a _blind_ date, isn't it?"

"And? S-so what!" She hissed, crossing her arms over her chest. His laughter grew even louder. "Stop it! It's not funny!"

He ignored her, the volume of his cackles rivaling even that of the storm's. "How long have you been waiting?" He asked between strained breaths.

She pouted, eyes shifting to a nearby rock. "Since 12."

His mouth shut instantly then. "Since _when_?" He incredulously inquired. She grimaced at the sound.

"Why? Have I been waiting for a long time? What time is it?" She hastily fished around in her bra for her cellphone. Pulling the small device out and flipping it open, she groaned when (after furiously jamming down on every button) she realized the thing was dead. "No, no, no! How long has it been?"

He looked on worriedly at her frenzied state. "It's 7:13," he answered after checking his watch again.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me."

"...I'm not."

"Well then isn't this just great? Abso-fucking-lutely fantastic?" She began to rant, fingers angrily running through her hair. "I just got stood up. Hilarious. Just _hilarious_. This is the last time I listen to Mirajane, I swear." She craned her neck, her eyes narrowing at him while her nostrils flared. "You can laugh now, Mr. Citizen. Go on, I deserve it for being so naïve—thinking I could _actually_ have a good day for once. Yuck it up. I know you probably want to."

"Oddly enough, I don't," was his pitying reply. He sighed, kneeling once again beside her seething form.

The rain mercilessly fell, large droplets streaming down her cheeks. She sniffled, lips quivering.

"Hey," he gently whispered. She somehow heard his voice above the ear-bashing thunder. "May I remind you this is a _really_ stupid hiding spot?"

She huffed. "I know. I know it's stupid. This weather is stupid. Mirajane is stupid. This bench is stupid. This whole park is stupid. Everything is stupid," she cried with a hollow laugh. "But I guess I'm the _most_ stupid because I'm _broke_ and my roommate took my keys. It seems stupid-me has nowhere else to go—no better hiding spots."

It was silent between them for a while as the storm raged on. The wind howled, trees aggressively rustled. He hummed, focus landing on the nearby apartment building to his left.

"How about my house?" He sincerely suggested with a lame grin.

He outstretched his hand once again.

She looked at the offering as if it were a venomous snake. She looked at him the same way shortly after. "What?"

He shrugged. "It's either you dry off at my place for an hour or two," he pointed an unoccupied finger in the direction of his apartment. "or you stay all alone out here, befriend a pack of wolves and live with them until you die."

"Although the latter sounds significantly better..." With a small smile that betrayed her reluctance, she slowly took his hand in her own. "I think I'll choose your place." He carefully pulled her from beneath the bench, helping her stand on scratched, wobbly legs. "Thanks," she muttered when she regained her footing.

"No problem."

"So you live close by?"

"Yeah."

Relief flooded her body at his words. "Good. That's _good_ ," she said. "because I don't think I can walk for long in these heels. I was never one for wearing them but Mira badgered me into dressing up. They hurt more than you'd think."

"Take them off then."

She gave him a disbelieving look. "What a typical _guy_ thing for you to say. As much as I want to, I can't just _take them off_!"

It was his turn to find himself in disbelief. "If you want to then why don't you?"

"Okay, I may be impulsive—" He wholeheartedly agreed we it this. She nudged his side with her elbow when he fervently nodded. "—but I'm not _that_ impulsive. What if I cut my feet or something?"

"You won't," he assured. "I'll carry you so just _hurry up_ and take your shoes off before you have to get your foot amputated and we both die from hypothermia."

"You'll carry me?"

"I'll carry you."

"You'll not only invite a stranger to your home but you'll carry them on the way there?" She shook her head. "And you think _I'm_ impulsive."

"I'm just being a concerned citizen, remember?" He cupped his hands behind his back before bending his knees. "Now hop on."

She pursed her lips. "If you're some sort of creeper, you're a damn courteous one, I'll give you that much." He snorted at her mumbles. After happily kicking off her silver heels, she pounced onto his awaiting back.

He released a dramatic "oof" at the sudden weight. "You're a lot heavier than you look, lady," he croaked.

"And you're a lot muscular." She poked his bicep.

"Please refrain from sexually harassing the transporter, thanks."

"Whatever."

He lifted her into a position that was comfortable for both of them, fingers securely squeezing into her thighs. "And what shall I call thee, m'lady? Got a name to go with that pretty face?"

"Please refrain from sexually harassing the transportee, thanks," she bit back with a grumpy tone, though her amused expression was anything but. Her grip tightened around his shoulders when he began to pick up speed. "And it's Lucy. What about you, Mr. Citizen? Is there an identity under that hood of yours?"

"Natsu."

Lucy nodded, quietly allowing the name to roll off her tongue. "Natsu, huh? That's a pretty uncommon name," she observed. "What, your parents think it was cute to name you after that famous business guy's son?"

They came to a stop at the wide crosswalk. Cars speedily drove by, headlights blaring while tires splashed into fresh, deep puddles. A dozen stray showers of rain had to be avoided before they could begin walking again.

When they reached the tall glass doors of his apartment building, Natsu finally replied. "Yeah, sure. I guess you could say I was."

"That's cool," she said before adding, "I was named after this lady named Lucille Dreyar. She babysat me as a kid until I was like...eighteen. I _think_. My memory's pretty bad."

Natsu spluttered. "Couldn't you have stayed at her place then?"

"I would," Lucy drawled. "but she died and her grandson, who owns her house now, doesn't exactly _like_ me."

Natsu simply shook his head.

They eventually entered the grand main lobby of the complex. It bustled with tourists, bellhops and fancy businessmen alike. Lucy whistled in appreciation at the polished floors and massive crystal chandelier above them.

"Is this a hotel or something? You can't possibly live here."

"One, it's not. And two, I seriously do." He nodded towards the receptionist who was currently gawking at them. "And I have been since I moved out of my parent's place when I was seventeen."

They finally reached the glistening elevator doors, one of many littered throughout the complex. Lucy used her bare toe to press the _up_ button. "How long has it been since then?"

Natsu carried her into the elevator. He blushed lightly at the odd, confused looks his neighbors sent his way before they all filed out. "Four years."

"So you're twenty-one?"

"Quite the mathematician, aren't you?" He chortled. He then gestured with his chin to the thirteenth floor's button—their final stop. Her toe obediently pressed that one next. "But yes, I am. What about you? Gonna take a guess here and say you're not a day older than twenty."

Second floor.

Lucy guffawed right into Natsu's unsuspecting ear. " _Woah_ , I can't even remember when I was that young! Hahaha!"

Natsu raised a brow in confusion at that. He shook off his hood and twisted his neck to get a better look at her face. "No way," he breathed. "You're older than that?"

Third floor.

She shakily nodded, struggling to suppress her amusement. "Much older."

"H-huh? But you look younger than me!" He exclaimed, his tone both amazed and incredulous. "What kind of fountain of youth do you frequent, huh?"

Lucy hummed, her breath ghosting across his neck as she whispered (more to herself than him), "I guess it can be considered a fountain of youth."

Fourth floor.

The elevator came to an abrupt stop, almost jolting Natsu off-balance. His hold on Lucy's legs tightened when the lights began to flicker.

"Death, I mean. It does wonders for the skin," came Lucy's soft murmur. "Then again, so does..."

Natsu's eyes became saucers, a shiver running down his spine as her lips began to graze his neck. "L...Luc—"

"...blood."

Sharpened fangs penetrated his flesh before he could even gasp in pain.

She had bit him.

Natsu's last fleeting thought before succumbing to darkness was, _fuck. Now I'm stressed, wet_ and _dead_.

He exhaled.

* * *

He inhaled.

Well, more like dramatically _heaved_ after finally regaining consciousness. His body felt abnormally heavy. His head pounded against his skull. His mouth was beyond dry and his neck—oh, his neck—stung like a _bitch_.

"Oh shit, please don't wake up," an oddly familiar voice mumbled from his right. Natsu, still lost in a post-coma daze, struggled to attach a face to it.

So he cracked an eye open (like an idiot) before hissing at the sudden onslaught of light. His arms flailed wildly to cover his face, a muffled groan slipping past his chapped lips.

"Eep! He's awake!" The voice screeched this time. Natsu felt his eardrums rip in half. "Okay, calm down. You need to breathe, girl. _Breathe_."

A soft smacking sound. "Right. I'm dead," she reminded herself. "Dead people don't need to breathe, Lucy."

Natsu froze, a thick lump forming in his throat at that name. _Lucy?_ His neck started to pulse. And that's when he remembered.

Park. Jogging. Rain. Bench. Girl. Elevator. Biting.

 _Biting_?

"Biting!" Natsu suddenly shot up from his position on the floor—his living room floor, he unconsciously noted. Disregarding the burning ache and creaking of his bones, he quickly turned to face... _her_. "You," came his greeting laced with anger.

"Me." She gave him a sheepish grin and a wave. "Hey there, sleepy head. How ya feeling?"

"How am I feeling?" He repeated. The memory of blood, blood, more of his blood and Lucy's dissatisfied expression flashed in his mind. "Homocidal."

She gulped. "Figured. You know, there's a good excuse for all of this."

"Is there?" He was on his knees now, slowly crawling towards where she sat. She nervously fiddled with the hem of her blood-sodden dress at his pointed glare. "Spit it out before I call the cops on you."

"There'll be no need for that!" Lucy squeaked nervously. His eyes were ablaze with fury as he inched closer to her. Gee, way to make someone feel like _prey_. That was usually her job. "I'm serious, Natsu. It's a really, really good excuse."

He gave her a blank look. "Uh-huh."

"No, no! It totally is!" She attempted to reassure. When he blindly reached for a nearby object—his television remote. Great weapon of choice—she frantically continued. "You see, when I bit you..."

He raised his arm, remote aiming towards her.

"...you were supposed to die!"

And then he attacked.

And then his hand went soaring into his lamp.

Literally.

"Holy fuck!" Natsu gaped, eyes shooting back to his detached body part and his abnormally _handless_ arm. Black blood oozed from his open wrist. "What...what the. Oh my god. Oh my god. Fuck. Shit. No. Oh my god."

Lucy huffed in frustration before standing. "You should've let me finish before you went all apeshit on me!" She had the nerve to reprimand him as she went to retrieve his hand—his hand, his hand, that was his hand, oh my god. He began to hyperventilate. "Stop freaking out! It's only a flesh wound."

"T-this is...I'm dying. My hand. I'm...the blood. It won't stop," Natsu gasped. He poked at his cold skin, shaking. A sharp pain tickled his elbow. "It doesn't hurt as much as it should. Why doesn't it hurt as much as it should?"

The brunette sighed as she plopped down before him, his renegade hand held firmly in her own—oh, this was so weird. "Your senses are dull now," she explained. "If you had let me finish talking before trying to assault me with a TV remote, you might've known that."

Natsu choked on a whimper when she jammed his hand back into place. "What on earth happened to me? What did you do?" He wiggled his fingers. They moved. They actually moved.

"I tried sucking your blood," she nonchalantly answered. Natsu's face twisted in disgust. "It tasted like crap so I stopped. But apparently I didn't stop soon enough because you died."

"I died?"

"You died."

"I died." He couldn't believe it.

"But then your nose twitched," she continued. She looked troubled as she recalled the night's events, brows furrowing and eyes not meeting his own. "It twitched but your heart wasn't beating."

"I was still dead?"

"You were still dead."

"But I moved."

"Yeah," Lucy clarified with a nod. "So I carried you here. Thanks for putting your name on your door, by the way. If you hadn't, I would've broken into any apartment and killed whoever was inside."

Natsu felt like he was going to throw up. "You're welcome?"

"Anyways," she sang. "I dropped you off here," she pointed down at his living room carpet. "and used your phone to call my roommate. I had no idea what was going on and she's usually good at figuring stuff like this out."

He stayed quiet as Lucy then went on and on about her and her roommate's irrelevant conversation—"I had to curse her out for a good ten minutes because she stole my keys and had the audacity to say I let her borrow them." Just as he was about to cut her off and demand she get to the point, she suddenly said, "Erza's a witch." Natsu blinked dumbly at this. "She spent an hour or so going through her little spellbooks to help find an answer for my problem. In the end, she couldn't find a thing. A human surviving after getting their blood sucked on is unheard of, even in the witch world."

"So..." Natsu drawled.

"So I got bored sitting here watching you and decided to go watch a movie. Great collection you got here."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not." She tilted her head towards his flat screen where an old zombie movie was put on pause. This girl really had some nerve—killing him and then enjoying a movie in his own home. "But I'm not done giving you my excuse yet."

"Get on with it then."

"Okay, well after seeing the first half of the movie, a sudden thought came to me. What if you weren't dead, what if you were..." She paused for a dramatic effect. " _undead_."

"Undead," he parroted, crossing his arms over his chest. "What the hell are you that you were able to make me _undead_?"

"A vampire. Duh." She rolled her eyes at his shocked expression. "And you're a zombie now, if you haven't caught my drift yet. Guess this situation calls for a happy birthday, Natsu!"

If his skin weren't already ghostly pale (courtesy of his recent death), Natsu was sure his face would be white as snow at Lucy's gleeful cry. "Z-zombie..."

"Or should I say happy _death_ day? I forgot how these things work. Bad memory and all." Lucy certainly wasn't helping in calming him down. "But hey, look on the bright side. You can't catch a bad case of pneumonia now!" She thought for a second. "Y'know, because you're **dead**."

Her ridiculously sugary-sweet tone was probably what did it for him. He was having a mental breakdown.

Natsu slammed his face into his coffee table and began to wail his throat sore. Black tears streamed down his cheeks as incoherent sobs racked his form. _All of this...because I wanted to be a concerned citizen..._

His watch beeped loudly as the time struck midnight.

.

.

㈌8 **ɞ** ㈌7 **To Be Continued** ㈌7 **ʚ** ㈌8

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_** (1) Okay, guys. I've finished 1/7 of my Boss Exams. The next one is this Wednesday and it's definitely the hardest of the bunch. I feel really bad for leaving you guys hanging for _another_ two months, so to keep you all _un-bored_ , I'll be publishing a few of my Vault stories! These are the _many_ stories (40+) I have stored away, collecting dust, and I thought maybe you guys'd want to check them out. And maybe, if you like them, I'll update them some more when the summer comes. That okay? Okay!

(2) Check out my profile for a schedule to see when I'll be updating/publishing my stories! Cross your fingers I'll be able to actually stick to the dates this time...heh. -_-;

And remember, stay tuned for chapter one and review if you wanna!

 _chu~_


	2. Chapter II-ish: Texual Sension

**_Disclaimer_** — I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Fandoms of Fanfiction. And to the lawyers for which law stands: one franchise, I'm under oath with a lack of invisibility...with...wait— okay, I don't own Fairy Tail or any of the characters included in said anime-package. Please, don't sue me...

* * *

I got you under my skin

— Mirotic by TVXQ

.

.

 _Day II, 11:04am_

 _._

"Knock knock."

A surprised yelp. "Who's there?!"

"Me."

A suspicious hum. "...me who?"

Lucy smirked, pressed a pointed ear against the cool wood of the bathroom door, and whispered, " _your new best friend_."

A resounding thump and a litany of oddly sequenced curses. "No. Nonono—it's real. She's real. You're real. You're really really real," came Natsu's muffled reply and Lucy rolled her eyes at the blatant fear laced between each word. "Didn't I tell you to leave? Why didn't you leave? I'm sure I told you to leave."

"Hm." Lucy absentmindedly traced hearts and circles and swirls onto the polished door. "If I recall correctly, you didn't exactly _tell_ me to leave. You threw spritz of cold water at my face and started chanting some weird prayer. What was it again? _God is grace, God is good, let us thank him for our foo_ —"

"I was trying to banish you from my premises," Natsu snapped, his tone defensive. "You are an evil, murderous thing and you should not be allowed to freely roam this earth."

"You sound like my ex-boyfriend."

Natsu sputtered, "that...that literally has nothing to do with anything. I didn't even ask."

Lucy shrugged despite the fact that he couldn't see her (you know, because he was being a little punk and hiding from her in his bathroom). "Yeah, I guess you're right. You still sounded like him though. Except instead of you trying to kill me like he did, I ended up...killing you." She was silent for a moment, fingers now drawing flowers and squares and zig-zaggy lines. "Sorry about that, by the way. I was sorta depressed last night. And starving, and maybe a tad bored. You just so happened to walk on by and unintentionally became my very own miracle buffet on legs."

The pinkette grumbled something unintelligible and Lucy didn't even bother mentioning that she'd heard every word (something along the lines of "crazy women with their crazy emotions and crazy, fucked up cravings"). Instead, she lazily scuffed the beige hallway carpet with her toes. "I'm sorry, okay? Totally sorry. No, I'm more than totally sorry. I am super mega totally sorry. But...you've gotta admit, you were pretty stupid to offer me a place to temporarily crash. At first I thought you were a cop when really, you were just an overly generous dolt."

Natsu pretended he didn't hear that last bit. "First off, I don't accept your apology, no matter how many words you throw in between _I'm_ and _sorry_."

Lucy pouted.

"Second, I will never admit that any decision I have ever made is wrong. For you see, young bloodsucker, I am never ever wrong. So you can just toss that little thought of yours out the window."

Lucy sneered and roughly kicked the door. She reveled in the squeak that echoed off the tiled walls from the other side.

Natsu, frazzled and sweating and pulling at his collar, cleared his throat. "A-as I was saying," he wheezed, "third, I would like to make a deal with you, Miss Hardfeelya."

"Heartfilia."

"Bless you." He cleared his throat again. "I am a man known for being quite fair, so I expect you to willingly accept this harmless, mutually beneficial deal of mine."

The bottle brunette tugged at her bottom lip with a fang. "Mutually beneficial?"

"Mutually beneficial."

"Meaning it won't be of you asking me to jump off a cliff or hand myself into the police for homicide?" Natsu hissed a _shit, that would have been smart_ under his breath and Lucy took that as affirmation. "Go on..."

"Right, well. Err, it's simple, really. I will lend you a home to stay in until your roommate returns with your keys—" because her roommate had called a few hours ago and said she would give back Lucy's keys when she was _damn well ready to_ before powering her phone off— "and in return, you find a way to bring me back to life. See? Simple, right?"

Lucy nearly choked on her saliva. "No. That is the total _opposite_ of simple, Natsu."

The human-gone-zombie chuckled, shaking his head as if what Lucy had said was the dumbest mix of sounds he'd ever heard. "I've been raised to be a passionate optimist, Miss Luigi—"

"Lucy."

"That's what I said. Now please, trust me when I say that anything is simple if you try and make it so."

A thought struck Lucy's mind then. " _Anything_ , huh?" she asked, eyebrows quirked and lips tugging into a playful grin. "So it wouldn't be a problem if I added a tiny smidgen of a proposal to this deal of yours?"

Natsu audibly gulped, trying (and failing) to mask the noise with a delighted croon. "Of course, of course~ I often accept additions to my verbal contracts with business partners. Doing the same for a dangerous, unprincipled vampire girl like yourself shouldn't be too hard."

"Thank you?"

"No. Thank _you_."

Lucy shook her head. "Anyways. I'm sure my awesome addition will be even _more_ mutually beneficial than yours. And it's even _more_ simple, almost painstakingly so." Lucy took a step back, followed shortly by two and three more. "You see, Natsu...all you have to do is..." She braced her shoulder, sharpened teeth glistening in the fluorescent hallway lights as her expression contorted into one of pure and utter, unadulterated mischief.

"What? Do what?" Natsu asked, growing suspicious at the sudden silence. He reluctantly opened his mouth to call Lucy's name (the right name this time) when **out of nowhere everything's in slow motion what the hell's happening** , his bathroom door came crashing in on him. A speeding blob of brown and red torpedoed through the spacious room of expensive toiletries and ceramics and straight into his defenseless chest.

"Oof! My lung!" The pinkette screeched as the impact of Lucy's body sent him tripping backwards into his bathtub. She laughed mockingly when his head banged against the wall and a bar of soap nearly lodged itself down his throat. "What—why—ow—my door—you— _my door_!"

"All you have to do is date me," she interrupted, chocolate eyes shining and arms encircling his waist. "Date me and, in return, I'll be your girlfriend."

Natsu gaped. "Do whatnow? B-be...be my _whatnow_?"

"Date me," Lucy shamelessly repeated, voice louder and more demanding, before sitting up to straddle him. She poked at the twin bite marks along the side of his neck, tracing hearts and circles and swirls around them. "Look, if you date me, life will become a lot easier for the both of us. I really need a boyfriend and you look like you haven't dated a girl since never. So this all works out for both parties, no? It's a good deal. A _simple_ deal."

Natsu's non-existent breath hitched, ebony eyes widening and neck pulsing with each gentle touch of Lucy's fingertips. "This is so random."

Lucy snorted. "Just accept the deal. Weren't you a kind and concerned citizen like twelve hours ago? Be him again and accept it."

"But...butbutbut—" Natsu straightened his back, hands pushing Lucy's away. "Why do you need a boyfriend? No one _needs_ a boyfriend."

"I do."

" _Why_? You can't just offer up such a deal and not explain anything."

Lucy's eyebrows furrowed, nose wrinkling and a frown replacing the wide deceptive smile she wore only seconds before. "Because."

"...because?" Natsu probed.

"There's...an old friend of mine coming for a visit." Natsu attempted (and once again failed) to wrestle Lucy's hands away as she began drawing flowers and squares and zig-zaggy lines across his wounded skin. "Her name is Lisanna and she's this girl I used to work with. Basically, she's this perfect being with a perfect body and perfect hair that doesn't need to be dyed a different color every week like mine—that fucking sun and it's dumb natural-vampire-hair-singeing qualities—and the boy I was crushing on since forever confessed to her with roses and chocolate and a poem and they started dating and then she moved overseas to become a collarbone model for a fancy necklace company and he went with her and she's hella successful and now she's coming back here for a month to see her family and she's probably going to bring my old crush along and I need them to see that I'm cool and way better than them with a cool boyfriend and a cool life and you're my miracle buffet on legs and now I need you to be my miracle boyfriend so I can shove it in Lisanna's face that I can be successful too without having to steal other people's crushes and flaunt my collar bones and shit. Plus, you're cuter than my old crush. That'll really hit her."

After Lucy's ridiculously lengthy rant—most of which he hadn't even caught because _damn_ , could she talk fast—Natsu slouched over, sighing heavily and forcing himself to process every coherent word he could remember. His brain groaned in agony (now a _metaphorical_ brain with _metaphorical_ pain, thanks to somebody's lack of self-control) and Natsu wasn't sure if he should be grateful or royally pissed off that it was his day-off from work and he actually had the time to thoroughly deal with this bullshit.

"So," he monotonously began, "you want me to sell my soul to your wickedness...in order to make some Mary Sue I don't even know _jealous_?"

"Yep."

"And in exchange, you'll erase this _single since birth_ air that supposedly radiates off of me?"

"Sure."

"What a shitty deal," Natsu deadpanned. "We aren't even _friends_. How could someone of my status possibly date something like you?" He critically looked her up and down, from her disheveled locks to the layers of sweatshirts and pants she wore. "Wait, why are you wearing my clothes?"

"That's not the issue," Lucy said with a dismissive wave. "If you accept my deal, I'll accept yours."

"My deal is actually mutually beneficial though—we _agreed_ on mutually beneficial. Yours is practically one-sided!" Natsu shouted in exasperation.

"Dude, you're asking me to bring your nasty-blood ass back to life! Do you know how hard and outrageous such a request is? It's nearly impossible!" Lucy shot back.

" _You're_ impossible! It's not my fault you killed me!"

"I was hungry! You can't blame me for being hungry!"

"I can and I will, you aren't the boss of me, _vampire_."

"I sure as hell am since I'm kind of the only supernatural being you know who can probably bring you back to life, _zombie_."

"Fang face."

"Lump of flesh."

"Hemoglobin harlot."

"Brain eater!"

Natsu inhaled sharply, a hand to his chest and face stricken with disgust. "I do _not_ eat brains."

"You will soon, pal. Just wait until that gut of yours starts grumbling." She jabbed at his stomach. "You'll be eating the brain of your mailman before he even rings your doorbell."

"Not before you suck all of his blood dry, you mosquito."

"I bet it'd taste better than yours, you empty-headed moaner."

"Dracula!"

"Cannibal!"

" _Yellow_!

" _Pink_!"

Electricity seemed to zap between the heated pair as they glared at one another, narrowed orbs of brown clashing with identical orbs of coal. The tension was palpable, thick enough to be cut with a _spoon_ , and it only seemed to grow as the duo continued their silent battle.

But it was only after one soundless heart's beat, and one airless breath's pass, that the atmosphere suddenly...changed. The tension _changed_ and somehow (he lost his mind, he must've lost his mind) Natsu found himself inching inching inching closer to Lucy as she inched inched inched closer to him. Their gazes were still tightly interlocked and one inch eventually became two and another and another, closer and closer and closer and suddenly—

"Ah..." There was Lucy. Holding his face with clammy hands as he similarly held hers, lips firmly against his own and yeah, he'd definitely lost his mind.

Lucy's lips were soft. Her kisses were even softer, nervous—light—cautious maybe.

Natsu's lips were chapped (how romantic). But his kisses were just as warm, just as nervous—light—cautious definitely.

Their first kiss was chaste, quick and over before Natsu had even realized it happened at all. And as soon as they pulled apart, eyes brimming with awkward confusion and maybe a little itty bitty sliver of something else, they were instantly kissing again.

The second kiss was wild, bruising and just fucking amazing and Natsu couldn't help but wonder if he'd actually _died_ -died last night and had gone to Heaven. _Because if that's the case_ , he silently mused, _then the after-life is the absolute best_. The kiss deepened and neither held back as Lucy's fangs nipped at Natsu's lip (drawing faint drops of blood tainted black by death) and Natsu's tongue roamed every corner of her mouth while his shaking hands did the same to her body. From her hips to her sides, from his shoulders to his hair and everything felt like it was burning and freezing all at once and—

They yanked apart.

And could only stare at one another.

 _What the actual hell...?_

Minutes passed and it wasn't until Natsu exhaled, fingers drumming against Lucy's thighs, that the heavy silence was broken by his shaky whisper of, "I...um, I accept your deal."

She hesitantly smiled in return, a wide and toothy smile, and her eyes (now a fiery red and clouded over in lust) sparkled with relief and happiness. "Then I accept yours."

"C-conclusion," his voice cracked, "you work on bringing me back to life and be my housemate...until further notice."

Lucy nodded. "Second conclusion, I'm your relationship teacher of sorts and you—" kiss "are—" kiss " _mine_...until further notice."

Natsu lamely grinned as Lucy's fingers then trailed slowly from his messy hair—touch ghosting across his ear, his cheek, his lips—and finally to his neck. "Deals made," he managed to croak, "meeting adjourned."

"That wasn't simple," Lucy mumbled as she leaned her forehead against his. "If anything, that was an absolute mess. I don't even understand how that all even started. The whole conversation went from 0 to 100 to 69 really quick."

Natsu pursed his lips in order to hold back his laughter. "Whatever," he said, "just be happy I'm such a reasonable guy when it truly comes down to it... _girlfriend_."

Lucy scoffed not even a second later. "Reasonable? Spontaneously acting on built-up sexual tension and-or frustration doesn't make you reasonable, _boyfriend_."

"Lucy?"

"Hm?"

"Shut up."

She grinned. "Make me."

 _He_ grinned. "Deal."

* * *

He frowned. "No deal."

"Oh, come _on_ ," Lucy drawled. She tugged impatiently at his sleeves. "You have to let me do this. It's in the handbook."

Natsu snatced his arms away. "What handbook?"

" **The** handbook," Lucy emphasised and at his painfully blank look, she huffed, "look, I'll explain all that jazz later. Right now, you need to be... _reinforced_." She reached for his sleeves again and Natsu scowled.

"Don't try and sugarcoat what you're about to do—" tug "you said you have to—" tug, tug "sew my—" tug, tug, tuggity tug "okay, can you _stop_ that?!"

Lucy growled, ripping the costly fabric in half (Natsu almost cried at the sight), "stop being a baby and let me reinforce you!"

"I'm not being a baby, I'm being _human_ ," he corrected and Lucy's eyes narrowed. "No sane human would want to have someone _sew_ their body parts, Lucy. It's insane."

"But that's the thing, Natsu. You aren't human, and you sure as hell aren't sane." Natsu brushed off the insult. "You're dead now—a zombie—and according to the handbook, zombies need to be reinforced!"

"What if I don't want to be reinforced, huh? What if I want to be _un-inforced_?"

"That's not a word."

"That wasn't the question."

The brunette laughed, dry and humorlessly, before thumping her head against Natsu's chest. "How many lamps do you own?"

"...uhh," Natsu looked around the living room they were now sitting in, mentally counting, "about five? Maybe six. Why?"

"Well, unless you want your hands or your feet—or both at the same time—to go soaring into those precious lamps like they did last night, I _highly_ suggest you sew them in place."

Natsu shivered at the recent memory (because before he'd run to go cower in his bathroom for the night, it had taken him hours upon hours to clean all of that blood from his carpet). "That can happen again?"

"It can happen again _if_ you don't sew your weakest limbs. Meaning wrists and ankles and your neck. That's all, okay? Nothing too severe."

"Sewing my neck sounds pretty severe."

"Childbirth sounds severe too but people do it anyways."

Natsu grunted, "that...that literally has nothing to do with anything. I didn't even—"

"Just let me do it!"

"Let me at least _think_ about it!"

"No!" Lucy exclaimed. "Lisanna will be here very very soon and I will not let you meet her with those flimsy parts of yours! What if we go out to eat and your hand goes soaring into her wine?! Then what? How will I explain to her why my supposedly cool boyfriend has a missing hand? Do you want to embarrass me?!"

"Do you want to embarrass _me_? What will my co-workers, my dad, say if they see wires woven through my flesh?!"

"I'll use enchanted thread!" she assured but Natsu remained skeptical. "Enchanted thread will only be visible to the sew-er and the sew-ee. No one will ever see it so pleeeease, Natsu. Please let me reinforce you!"

"Why—"

"Please?"

"Lucy—"

" _Please_?!"

"But my flawless body—"

" **Please**."

"Alright!" Natsu boomed, shoving Lucy out of his face and off of his couch. She fell onto the carpeted floor and rolled around beneath his coffee table, squealing in victorious laughter. "I'll...I'll do it. It's sort of a part of your deal, right? And I don't half-ass the tasks required of me in deals I agree to."

Lucy cackled as she finally unzipped and removed the multiple hoodies she wore. "This is going to be so fun," she cried, balling up the stolen clothes and throwing them into Natsu's lap. "Lisanna's gonna be so jealous when she's see us. A zombie and a vampire couple? Ugh, we're straight out of a teen novel, Natsu!"

"Yay for us."

She ignored his sarcasm and clapped giddily. " _Very_ yay for us. Super mega totally yay! Now...sit tight," she stood before him, pushing at his shoulders until he relaxed into his seat, "and promise you won't freak out."

He stared at her.

"Promise me."

"I promise I won't freak out...when you _stick a needle through my skin and damage it beyond repair_."

"Perfect," Lucy chimed brightly. Natsu glowered at her. "Alright, this will only take a second. Maybe an hour. Maybe half the day. But don't worry, my best friend was a seamstress a few decades ago, thus making me a seamstress by association. You are in professional hands." She fished through her bra for a moment before pulling out a sharp needle and a small spool of beige wire thread. "Trust me?"

"I guess."

"Good guess, boyfriend. This won't hurt at all, it'll only tickle."

"Don't fuck up, girlfriend. If that needle strays from where it's supposed to go, I'll sue you so deep into debt, you'll wish you had a grave."

"Hardy har har—you talk big but are you ready to back it up?"

Natsu swallowed, eyes closing and mind emptying and knees shaking as he nervously responded, "...ready."

"Set?"

"Set."

"Go..."

 _Pinch_

A strangled gasp. "Is it in?"

"It's in."

A choked whimper. "Are you moving it?"

"I'm moving it."

Natsu trembled, forcing an eye open as he peered down at Lucy's kneeling form and dancing hands. Her tongue was poked out in concentration, and Natsu begrudgingly acknowledged that he would've found the image cute had she not been **licking** at the blood—his blood, his blood, that was his blood, oh my god—squirting onto her face from his wrist.

"Ah...ah..." he quaked and Lucy peeked up at him curiously. A drop of black blood dripped from her chin. "ah...aah—aaaaaaaAAAEEEEYAAA _ **AAAAAAH—**_!"

"Hey, you promised you wouldn't freak out!"

"I'm not freaking—" squirt "—oooOOOOOOAAAAAAAAYAA _ **AAAAH**_!"

Lucy gawked at him. "Y-yes you are!" she hollered over his shrieks. "Natsu, calm down! Calm the flying fuck down!"

"— _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAH**_ —!"

"Stop freaking out!"

"— _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAH**_ —!"

"You're hurting my ears, you spineless moron! And you're making reinforcing you impossible. If you would just stop screaming, your blood would stop flowing so quickly and—"

"— _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAH**_ —!"

"That's it." Lucy abruptly stood, leaving the needle poking out of his heavily bleeding wrist and making Natsu go cross-eyed at the grotesque sight. He continued screaming at the top of his lungs, never stopping, never taking a breath because he was a zombie and zombies didn't need to breathe and zombies apparently had black blood and his black blood just wouldn't stop gushing out like a damn fountain and it was streaming between his fingers and staining his pants and holy shitshitwowshit.

He probably would've screamed some more. Probably would've went beyond freaking out. Probably would've prompted his neighbors to call the police at some point. And probably would've torn his voice box into pieces (if he'd still been alive) had Lucy not taken the liberty to saunter over to his bookshelf, grab the largest encyclopedia she could find, and _slam_ it against his head.

He was unconscious in seconds.

And Lucy's frustrated grumbles about crybabies and man-wimps were the last things he'd heard before thinking, _damn. The after-life is the absolute worst._

 _._

 _Day II, 2:06pm_

.

.

㈌8 **ɞ** ㈌7 **To Be Continued** ㈌7 **ʚ** ㈌8

* * *

 ** _Author's Note_** : Three months later! Haha, sorry everyone. I wonder if you guys are still reading after all this time...it _has_ been a while. Woops. Pardon my laziness, folks. My summer has been full of sleeping, eating and more sleeping. But I guess now that school is right around the corner ( **my senior year! Omgasdf** ), I'm suddenly feeling so write-y. Does that make sense? Whatever. I'm here now and hopefully I won't run away again. I passed all of my exams with pretty decent scores. A 95 in Spanish, a 90 in History, a 70 in Trigonometry (I cried), a 65 in Chemistry (I had no idea what I was doing throughout this entire exam, but I still magically passed~), a 1720 on the SATs (I want higher) and an average score in English.

My brain was fried.

But hey. At least I didn't fail anything! All of the luck you guys gave me really helped~ Thank you all so much. As a gift, here is an update! Hooray!

Also...what's up with me and having Lucy and Natsu make out in a bathtub? Gee, I am _super_ creative *thinks back to that one chapter of PMO*

 ** _Author's Responses_** :

 _of the deep sea_ — lol thank you~ I am definitely continuing it. I like these characters for Natsu and Lucy the most out of all the ones I've written so far so I am like...binge typing this entire story right now. As for Juvia, yes she will be in it, but I have no idea what supernatural thingy I want her to be. Any ideas?

 _Guest_ — here you are~

 _j blackstar13_ — well, I didn't update _soon_ but I did update. Expect better update times from now on. Does once a week sound good? :)

 _SamanthaRoseHeartfillia_ — Yes I aaaaam~ I have more ready to be uploaded soon!

 _Meowie07_ — thank you! Le story has been updated~

 _Nihice_ — haha, it's been months but it's back. Hope it's still sort of good...

 _The Siege_ — I make him suffer too much. :( I'm sorry Natsu, I love you~ And yay for B.A.P! That's one of my friend's favorite groups as well. I saw them in concert last year! But can you believe they went back to TS Entertainment?! I'm still pissed off about that...

 _Guest_ — thank you! Hopefully it still is. Lol, it would be awkward if I screwed all its amazing-ness up because I ignored it for so long. Sassy!Lucy is the best Lucy. More characters will be introduced in the next few chapters. I think Gray is going to be next. Then Mira. Then Lisanna...then Erza, I think. And Lucy's mystery ex-boyfriend will make an appearance too~

 _NaLu x Buckets_ — woops. I didn't hurry up at all. Here's my late ass update, lol. Sorry~

 _Leluciana37_ — ugh. I miss you and your reviews. :( I'm back now and I have no more important exams until June so yaaaay!

Now...remember, everyone: stay tuned for chapter three (three right?) and review if you wanna!

 _chu~_


	3. Chapter III: Clueless Discovery

_**Disclaimer**_ — I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Fandoms of Fanfiction. And to the lawyers for which law stands: one franchise, I'm under oath with a lack of invisibility...with...wait—okay, I don't own Fairy Tail or any of the characters included in said anime-package. Please, don't sue me...

* * *

My love for you is sweet and endless

— Endlessly Sweet (lol obviously) by Tohoshinki

.

.

 _Day III, 2:04am_

 _._

"Stop scratching it."

"I'm not scratching it." He scratched it.

"You're going to break the thread," Lucy warned distractedly, eyes zeroing in on a clearance rack across the aisle.

Natsu didn't complain as she grabbed his wrist and excitedly pulled him towards it. "I'm not going to break the thread," he insisted. And he didn't. But he still kept scratching it.

"You'll do something else stupid then if you keep bothering it." One hand swatted Natsu's away from his neck while the other poked and prodded at a (hideous) sparkly blue jumpsuit. "Do you want me to have to sew it all over again?"

Natsu grimaced, quickly lowering the arm that was about to reach up and scratch his neck yet again. "No thanks. I don't ever want to go through that ever again ever in my life ever."

Lucy nodded, tugging bitterly at her ear. "Likewise, you banshee."

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to hurt your sensitive wittle ears." Natsu sneered and Lucy ignored him as she moved onto a green (equally hideous) sweater that was two sizes too big for her. "Believe it or not, Lucy, it takes some getting used to when you start _bleeding an entirely different color_ than what's medically appropriate."

"Uh-huh." She plucked the sweater from its hanger and stuffed it under her hoodie (Natsu's hoodie—now hers because her only outfit was soaked in red and black blood and Natsu figured he could always buy himself another one). "That's nice. Good for you."

"You did not just do that," Natsu whisper-shouted, referring to Lucy's sticky fingers. His eyes darted back and forth around the abandoned shopping mall. "Are you crazy? Stealing is bad. Put that back."

Lucy rolled her eyes and shoved a pair of pink and orange (polka-dot) jeans along with the sweater. "Natsu, what did you think I'd be doing when I convinced you to sneak in here with me? Voluntarily cleaning the place? No. I'm stealing, boohoo—crime of the century. Now shut up and help me choose an outfit. I need a bangin' one to stun Lisanna with for when she arrives."

Natsu bounced nervously on his toes, looking around for any working cameras or randomly patrolling security guards or police officers or prosecutors or guard dogs or correction officers or—he peered down at Lucy's bulging "stomach" and cringed. "Is Lisanna hosting an early Halloween party or something?"

Lucy spared him a curious glance before rummaging for more (fucking awful) clothes. A lime green turtle neck with a creepily smiling giraffe on it was next. "No," she eventually replied, "Lisanna doesn't have enough friends to invite to a party. Why do you ask?"

He wondered briefly if he should comment on her (just really fucking awful) choices of clothes or not— _very_ briefly. "You have the worst sense in fashion I have ever seen."

" _What_?" Lucy spun on her heel faster than Natsu had died two days prior (a terrible terrible analogy), dropping the frilly and amateurly sequined shirt she'd just picked up. "I dare you to say that to my face."

Natsu didn't hesitate for a moment. "It's really bad, Lucy. You would make a designer's ancestors cry."

He'd expected her to instantly blow up and shank him with a hanger. Maybe gouge his eyeballs out with her fangs and sell his organs on the black market...but she didn't, and Natsu was visibly surprised when Lucy simply slouched over and released a long, dramatic sigh instead. "I know," she groaned, "it's why Mira had to dress me for my blind date. I suck at all this," she gestured towards her lump of stolen goods, "shopping mumbo jumbo. It's so hard."

"Uh, it's not that hard," he uttered flatly. Lucy glared at him. "It's _not_. All you have to do is actually try and find good looking clothes. What you have is a pile of rainbow garbage."

"I thought they looked nice."

"No, you didn't think at all." Natsu whacked Lucy's torso, effectively dumping all of the (ugly just so ugly ew) clothes onto the floor. "You're stealing all of the tacky ones. If you're going to rob a store, at least take what's valuable. The clearance rack? Really? You brought me outside at two in the morning for _this_ bullshit?"

"No one will ever notice these are gone," she weakly defended and Natsu rolled his eyes at her pitiful pout and muttered a _how considerate of you_. "Besides, I left my wallet at home and it's not like I can shop in the daytime. Not until I get more sunblock anyways. My skin gets really itchy whenever I'm in the sun and I hate having itchy skin."

"Itchy skin? You get _itchy skin_ when you stand in sunlight?"

"And toasted roots, hence I dye my hair so often."

"But...I thought vampires get all glittery when they're out in the sun. Or turn to dust." He backed away when she hissed angrily at him, eyes flashing red. "Okay, woops. Guess that's wrong. Did I strike a nerve there?"

"You most certainly did. You humans and your fucked up imaginations. Would you like it if vampires made crappy movies about you guys with all the wrong facts? The _wrongest_ of the wrong facts?!" Her lips twisted into a scowl. "Glitter. Dust. I want to murder all of you."

"Well, you've got one victim down. Only a godzillion more to go." Lucy didn't appreciate his twisted humor. She was too busy fuming over overrated books and movies and their obsessive fanbases who gobbled up lies more than they breathed oxygen—or so she grumbled none too nicely. "Lucy, calm down. It's late...early. It's _early_ and I have work in a few hours. Let's go home, okay? We can just buy you a _decent_ 'legitimately bangin _'_ outfit' online."

Lucy paused in her cursing of wild prepubescent teenagers and blinked up at him. Natsu smiled. "On what line?" And then he frowned.

"Online..." he said slowly, "as in, on the internet." Lucy shook her head. "The world wide web?" She squinted. "You're kidding me."

"I am kidding no one. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"How can you know how to work my DVD player but not know what the internet is?"

"My roommate has a DVD player," Lucy answered simply and appeared genuinely confused when Natsu continued to gawk at her. "Is she...not supposed to?"

"Hasn't any of the movies you've watched have the internet in them...or something related to it?!"

"All the movies my roommate has are from the seventies. She said that's when movies were actually original and refused to let me watch anything else," Lucy supplied, and grinned as she asked, "have you ever seen—"

Natsu cut her off with a wave. "Does she at least have cable?"

"A cable as in a wire?"

He smacked his forehead with a shaking palm. "She has a DVD player...but she doesn't have the internet or cable? _Unbelievable_! Does she even have a computer?"

"...a w-what?"

The world was ending. "Lucy, have you been living under a rock for the last twenty years?" Natsu asked incredulously. He wanted to shake the _modern_ into her.

"No, I've been living in an apartment. What, am I missing something important here?"

The pink-haired zombie practically broke his arm reaching for Lucy's hand. He grabbed it, fingers hurriedly lacing with hers, before yanking her out of the store. "You're missing something beyond important, Lucy. Beyoooond important. Where's the computer section in this mall? I need to save you."

"Save me?"

"Save you."

"I thought you wanted to go home!" Lucy argued over Natsu's loud footsteps. For someone wearing old blue cat slippers, he sure knew how to make some noise. "You said you have work. I mean, not that I actually care about you or your job, but still." She yelped as he abruptly turned a corner and led her into the leisure section of the mall.

"Good, a map-directory-thing," he said, "now I can show you the light. Let's see...Technology Town...section 4A, huh? That's over there." He jabbed a thumb to their left.

Lucy exhaled as they began walking again (though it was more like Natsu stampeding through floors like a madman and Lucy stumbling behind him). "Natsu, is this really necessary?"

"Yes."

"I don't think it is. What kind of name is internet anyways? _In_ what _net_ are they talking about?"

"Too many words to explain. Just know it's worth it."

"But is it so amazing that I have to see what it is _now_?"

Natsu remembered asking that same question himself about going shopping well past closing time (like a couple of lunatics high off of bath salts, he'd complained). He also remembered being cut off by Lucy with a curt, "yes. That's all you need to know—just _yes_ ," and so he took the opportunity now to snarkily reply in the same way.

Lucy didn't find that funny.

So she tripped him into a display car.

And after getting lost thrice and a half times because Natsu sucked at reading signs ( _4A_ actually said _A4_ , and _left_ was actually _right_ , and _Technology Town_ was a repair shop, not a computer shop), the duo finally found the haven they were looking for. Lucy snorted at the sight of all the miniature televisions with glossy screens and buttons. What kind of circus...

"This looks fun," she observed dully and Natsu squealed in agreement. "Where is the internet? I want to get this over with."

Natsu let go of her, skipping over to a display computer and turning it on. Lucy peeked behind his shoulder, eyes widening when she saw a whirl of shapes and colors loading onto the screen. "What did you just do?"

"I turned it on."

"It's like my phone. And my DVD player...but not. It's more _fancy_. Do it again."

"Later, later," he assured and clicked onto the desktop. Lucy's breathy _ooo_ 's and _aaah_ 's hit the back of his neck and Natsu felt a chill run down his spine at the feel of it all. But wait. Now wasn't the time to think about _that_. It was the time of enlightenment! He all but abused the mouse-pad, clicking repeatedly on an icon (a rather persistent number of times) before shouting "at last" when a window finally popped up with a _boop_. He spread his arms out wide. "This here, Lucy, is the internet!"

She gazed at the large screen in wonder. "Woooah. What does it do?"

"Everything."

"Does it drink blood?"

"No."

"Does it itch in the sun?"

"...no."

"Does it have a boyfriend?"

"No," he replied and Lucy opened her mouth to speak again. "No, it doesn't dye its hair either." She smugly closed it.

"Then it doesn't do everything. This is dumb. It's just a box with words. How is this as amazing as you made it out to be?"

"It...it does everything _but_ those stuffs, okay?" Natsu snapped frustratedly. Lucy stared at him in disbelief. But not the shocked kind of disbelief. It was the literal _I don't believe you or your lies_ kind of disbelief. His jaw clenched and her eyebrow quirked challengingly. "Just watch. Watch, watch, watch. I'll show you. It'll be much easier to show you."

He clicked a few more buttons, typed a few letters (Lucy silently admitted that watching this giant phone thing respond to Natsu's actions as if it were a...giant phone was somewhat fascinating) before finally, the screen changed from a _box with words_ to an even bigger box with even more words. And they were all blue and underlined! "What is that?!"

"A Koogle search. If I want to know something, I Koogle it and I learn all I need to learn," Natsu said proudly, relishing in all of Lucy's attention (even though it wasn't exactly directed at him). He smirked when she leaned against his shoulder, mouth agape.

"So the internet is a mystical all seeing eye?"

He shrugged, hands roaming over the mouse-pad again. "Okay yeah, sure. Let's go with that."

"But aren't those a tad too dangerous?"

"Um, probably. But it's still fucking awesome. Look at this." He pointed at the screen, and on it, were at least a hundred (well-taken, beautiful, model-like, gosh he was just so handsome) pictures of Natsu Dragneel, son of the CEO and founder of Ryuu Inc. and—

"...heir to the business world throne," Lucy read off of the search bar and gasped when she recognized the man in the photos. She pointed at him. "You!"

Natsu flipped his hair. "Me."

"So you are the Dragneel kid!" Lucy drawled and punched Natsu in his side. "You weren't _named_ after him, you _are_ him. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought it was obvious."

Lucy kept punching his spleen and his kidneys, giggling because she was dating an apparent celebrity who was rich and just really really rich with money and other rich things.

"How did the internet find you?"

"It's an all seeing eye, remember?" Natsu wanted to laugh at Lucy's completely awestruck expression. "The internet knows everyone."

"Does it know me?"

Natsu typed her name in and surprisingly (because Lucy was way too pretty to not be noticed by every living and breathing specimen in the world—or so _he_ believed but would never admit to believing) not a single picture of her popped up. There were only pictures of some old house and an equally old lady with seven missing teeth. "Um...no."

"Does it know Erza?"

"Who?"

"My roommate." Right.

Natsu typed her name in too (and her last name which Lucy later said was _Scarlet_ ). "Is your roommate a man?" She shook her head furiously at that. "Then no."

"Then the internet doesn't know everyone."

"But it still knows a lot," Natsu growled. He slammed the computer shut, wincing because it looked expensive but then shrugging because he was probably worth more. "You've ruined my mood. I want to go home now."

"Hey, no no no!" The brunette hollered and her voice echoed throughout the barren mall as Natsu tried pulling her back to the parking lot where his car waited (yes, they really did have the nerve to use the mall's parking lot while trespassing). "I want to see more of the internet! You said you would save me! I'm not saved yet, I want to see more!"

Natsu looked down at his watch, expertly blocking out Lucy's incessant whining. "It's almost four in the morning. The mall is probably going to open up soon and workers are going to start checking in. We need to leave."

"That's a stupid excuse! I've been here before. This mall is empty all the way until seven."

"I still have work."

"Yeah?" Lucy stopped walking too suddenly for him to notice and nearly tripped Natsu into that same display car again. "At what time?" She propped her free hand on her hip.

"In ten minutes," he lied.

"That's plenty of time." Before Natsu could react, Lucy was walking again (jogging, more like it) and Natsu stubbed his toe against the display car's tire. She took the lead this time, weaving him through stores and potted plants and _wet floor_ signs until they finally reached their destination. The closed off section of the mall was dark; there were no safety lights turned on like in the others. Natsu could barely make out the yellow strips of _under construction do not enter or you will die_ caution tape.

"Let's watch a movie."

Natsu scoffed and turned around. "No."

Lucy twirled him back towards her. "Yes."

"It's bad enough you almost stole clothes—"

"Almost," Lucy emphasized.

"—but now you want to steal a movie too? You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a grandma's purse. You wouldn't steal a baby, Lucy."

"You stole the internet."

Natsu sputtered, "yeah but for like five minutes."

"That's still stealing," she huffed and gripped his arm tightly (probably so he wouldn't run). "Stealing some more won't make much of a difference, right? Besides, I like to think of this more as...permanently borrowing."

"You are a terrible person."

"And I am your girlfriend."

"Contract girlfriend."

"Still your girlfriend."

Natsu muttered a few obscenities under his breath as they wandered into the seemingly safe theater. Lucy broke down the door leading to the projection room (the same way she broke down Natsu's bathroom door—shit, he still needed to get that fixed) and grew adorably excited when she saw all of the films of the forty year old movies she recognized.

"This is the movie I was going to ask if you saw," she said happily as she pushed the circular thing into his face. On an old piece of duct tape plastered to its front, it read: _Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory_. "This is my all-time favorite movie. Erza said the remake burned her skin off but it couldn't have been that bad, especially since this one, the original, is so _good_."

"I haven't seen this movie since I was a fetus."

"Which is why we should watch it right now!" She squealed and prepared the film, starting up the dusty, ancient-looking projector with skill Natsu honestly didn't want to know the origin of.

"You must do this often," he observed and Lucy gave him a sheepish twitch of a smile. "You're such a criminal."

"Hey," she admonished, "you're only a criminal if you get caught. In all my years on this earth, I have yet to be arrested. I'm too stealthy for something as embarrassing as that."

Natsu hummed, watching as Lucy gave the projector a firm kick before it whirred to life and blared a light bright enough to tickle his retinas. "That reminds me...how old are you exactly?"

They exited the cramped and moldy room, making their way down the carpeted theater aisle as the opening to the movie began to play. "Uh." Lucy awkwardly looked around. "I kind of forgot. My memory is pretty poor, remember?"

He thought back to the day they had first met (his mind skipped over all of the gruesome and bloody and super gross bits) and Natsu mouthed an "oh" in realization when he recalled Lucy's brief confession. "Then you must be _really_ old."

"Not old. Just...non-young." It was a lame correction and Lucy knew that, but as she plopped down into a nearby seat, she still pretended it sounded as politically correct as any other politically correct answer would. "I died when I was nineteen, if that helps."

Natsu sat down beside her, an arm draping across the back of her chair. "Mind if I ask how?"

"Uh..." Lucy looked lost for a second, and the flickering scenes from the movie glowed across her face, making her pursed lips and wrinkled nose even more apparent. "Something with...a museum. Everyone had said it was haunted and um...I think one of my friends accidentally summoned the vampire that changed me. It's all kind of fuzzy, but I remember everything turning red and then I did something...bad to my...my—oh my god, this is my favorite part!" Out of nowhere, Lucy burst into song, voice bubbly and warm as she sang along to the movie's blaring background music.

Natsu stared at her as if she grew three heads. "What kind of storyteller are you? I was getting interested."

"Too bad. I'm more interested in this," Lucy said and pointed at the screen where some kid was running down some street with some random ticket in his hand. "So so interesting."

Natsu groaned childishly, sinking down low in his seat as he turned his focus onto the movie Lucy seemed to cherish more than him. Not that he was bothered by that or anything. "Tell me when this is over. I'm going to take a nap."

"Zombies don't sleep, silly."

"Oh yeah? You've never even met another zombie, how would you know?"

"It's in the handbook."

"What handbook?"

" **The** handbook."

"That vague answer again," Natsu sighed as he closed his eyes. His head lolled to the side and rested on Lucy's shoulder. "Whatever. Good night. Or morning. Have fun with your little chocolate-eating orphan boy."

"Will do."

Natsu couldn't fall asleep (most likely because Lucy and her mystery handbook were right—though he would never say that out loud). But even if he somehow still possessed such an ability, he probably wouldn't have fallen asleep then either. Lucy's cackles and poorly smothered snickers and dorky chuckles were just too damn noisy. What could have been so fucking funny about tiny orange men and weird psychedelic tunnels? Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

But Natsu let her be. He might as well had, Lucy wouldn't live her life any differently just because he asked her to. Hell, _his_ life had to be the one to change, not hers. A week ago, Natsu would have never thought he'd _ever_ share his grand apartment with someone (he would have sued whoever'd even suggest such a preposterous thing). A week ago, Natsu would have never gotten himself a girlfriend ("Girlfriend?" he would've asked. "More like a gold digging liability").

But a week ago, he wasn't dead...and that small alteration kind of fucked with everything he thought his life was all about.

Yeah, dying really sucked.

Natsu internally harrumphed, casting those thoughts aside as he brought himself back to reality. For the past hour or two, he'd kept his eyelids shut and Lucy's sometimes soft (sometimes quite nice) laughter would float into his ear while her fingers habitually drew patterns into his pajama pant leg. He minded the latter **a lot** at first—memories of his irrational and impulsive self from yesterday kept flashing in his mind...along with Lucy's face close to his own, her light and feathery touch, and the feeling of her cold, pillowy lips, and _bad bad bad thoughts stop stop stop_ —but after a while, he allowed her to continue her harmless ministrations without complaint.

That is, until those harmless ministrations grew into very very _harmful_ ministrations.

"Lu...Lucy." Natsu gulped, body stiffening as the brunette vampire's fingers began crawling up his leg. "Um. T-the movie. You need to...err—"

"The movie froze. Screen turned blue and kinda burst into smoke. Think that's why the place is under construction." She tilted her head towards the front of the theater and Natsu couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it breaking. He turned back to stare at her, and she smirked knowingly at his hooded eyes and small shivers. "Now that the movie's no longer an option...you seem a lot more interesting."

Natsu didn't give a shit if he was a rebound to some movie (oh. Ow. He was a rebound. His past self would be so disappointed). He was beyond willing as he straightened in his squeaky leather chair, grabbed Lucy firmly by her waist and sat her right down on his lap. She giggled loudly (louder than she had at that bummy movie—Natsu: 1, Willy Wonka: 0) and nuzzled his neck, tongue dabbing at the bite marks she'd left there and nose brushing against the wire thread above them.

"This feels like a date," she whispered, hands traveling and sliding against every inch of his bare skin that she could find.

Natsu released a breathy laugh, fingers threading through Lucy's brown locks (now that he looked closely—really closely since Lucy was like... _right_ there—he could make out a few strands of blonde in her roots. Ugh, fuckfuckfuck, he had a such thing for blondes). "What a screwy first date. A Dragneel should have his dates at five-star restaurants in Paris or Italy, with expensive wine and lobster. Not in some mall's dilapidated movie theater in his pajamas."

"We can't eat lobster anyways."

Oh yeah. Brains. "Please, don't remind me."

Lucy playfully rolled her reddened eyes, lips faintly brushing his as she assured, "don't worry. I'll make you forget."

And _whomp_ , they were making out again—all teeth and tongue and moans and whimpers and wow, when did Lucy lose her hoodie?

"This is insane," he pecked her lips once, "crazy," twice "whacked," three times, "absolutely ludicrous. I don't even think the contract required us to do this."

"It does now," Lucy softly purred when Natsu toyed with the strap of her cookie monster bra (stolen from the clearance rack about three months ago). "Shit, I thought you never had a girlfriend."

"...that doesn't mean I'm inexperienced with certain things."

"You sly dog," Lucy snorted, "you're lucky I'm not a greedy person." Before Natsu could mock her with some kind of rude and mood-killing sarcastic retort, her fingertips ghosted across the taut skin above the waistband of his pants. As he sucked in a sharp intake of air, Natsu really wished he hadn't worn such an embarrassing pair of underwear that day (the typical cinematic kind of white boxers with red hearts and geewhiz, fuck his life).

"This is so unlike me," he panted, hands planted on her waist. "Why the fuck am I doing something so unsanitary in a goddamn theater?"

"Blame dying. It sort of makes you stupid."

"That explains a lot about you."

"Oh, haha. You're a comedic genius," Lucy said dryly before pushing past the elastic band and—

"Fuck!" Natsu was seeing stars. Or maybe they were Lucy's eyes.

"We should go shopping past midnight more often."

God, he wished he could say something smart. But the way—shitdamnfuckbitchmother—the way Lucy was...her hands. "Ah, y-you..."

"Would you mind if I bit you?"

 _You can rob a bank for all I care, just keep on doing what you're doing down below_ , Natsu thought, but out loud, it sounded more like a "nngh," and that was all the permission Lucy needed.

Her fangs sunk into the flesh near his collarbone, and his neck began to pulse violently while Lucy smirked past the blood flowing between her lips and his skin. "It's strange," she began once she sat up, hands still working and turning Natsu into putty beneath her, "your blood tastes much better now." She licked her lips slowly. "When you were alive, it tasted like moldy licorice. Now it almost tastes like...hot sauce?"

Natsu couldn't even try and feel creeped out by the fact that Lucy thought his zombie blood tasted like a spicy food enhancing condiment (or feel insulted that his _zombie_ blood supposedly tasted better than his _human_ blood). He was too busy bucking into Lucy's palm and hissing every curse word known to man into her ear.

A few sweaty and hot and oddly comfortable (considering the position) minutes later and Natsu was groaning and falling back into his chair. It creaked at the impact and not even the "stealthy" Lucy had enough time to catch herself before the theater chair went crashing onto the floor of the row behind it.

Natsu was groaning for different reasons altogether this time around. "Do you suppose this is the other reason why the place is under construction?"

"Guess so. Talk about falling from a climax." Because they were in a _movie_ theater.

"Not funny."

"Very funny." Lucy lay contently on top of him after slipping on her tossed hoodie, pulling his pants back into place (how polite) and propping her chin on her hand (she had licked it clean and Natsu was more than ready for a round two after seeing that). She gazed down at him, face expressionless. "This is strange too..."

"What is?"

Seemingly lost in her own vampire-y world, she continued to stare at him. "This...I mean, it's _so_ cliché."

" _What_ is?"

"And it probably explains why I sort of just gave you a random handjob."

"Goddammit, woman. Would you just say what you're—"

"Three days."

Natsu's brows furrowed. "Hm?"

"Three days..." and she lowered her head to rest against his chest, voice too low and too muffled for him to hear, "three days was all it took for me to fall in like with you."

.

 _Day III, 5:18am_

.

.

㈌8 ɞ ㈌7 **To Be Continued** ㈌7 ʚ ㈌8

* * *

 _ **Author's Note**_ : As you can all see, I suck eggs at relationship development. There is no smooth transitioning for me. I just go straight for it. So (in order to make me look less like a crap writer), I'm going to use the excuse that the only reason Natsu and Lucy are already at the twelfth tier in just three chapters is because this is purely a relationship fic. Like...there's no plot. Just some characters...doing couple stuff. And that's it. I'll also blame the lack of Natsu's zombie!brain-cells.

Moving on...let's all cheer for subtle handjobs! _Yaaaay_ ~ But, uh...now you guys see why I don't write M-rated fics...because I'm just so gosh darn awful at writing anything sexual. I tried. Lol, and I most likely failed. Sorry you guys had to read that mess up there. I couldn't help it. My Lucy-muse is freaking crazy and she just does whatever she wants and I can't stop her! If anything in this story seems out of the blue or totally random— _it's my Lucy-muse_. It's all my Lucy-muse just running amok!

I'm sorry.

 _ **Author's**_ ** _Response_** :

 _j blackstar13_ — lol...thank you for actually coming back to this story. And _weeeee_ , it's another update!

 _KaUiA_ — thank you~!

 _of the deep sea_ — ohoho~ a selkie sounds interesting. Thank you for the ideas!

 _MidnightDusk2104_ — OOC!Natsu is what I'm all about. *hands you a tissue* Thank you for your adorable review~^^

 _Meowie07_ — Nalu! Nalu everywhere! :D And if you thought the making out came fast, here's something even better! Yippee! Here's your moar~ X3

 _cookie panda-roo_ — can I just say you have the cutest username ever? It's funny (and really coincidental) because I once had a hamster named Panda Cookie. It's a small world.

 _Nihice_ — *gasp* it's a consistent update! Did I make you proud?! ;-;

 _Leluciana37_ — Hug~~~~ Yes, I passed. No more struggling! No more tears! Huzzah! And you're right. It has been too long. But I am here! *special _chu~_ for you* XD

 _absolutefiction_ — I'm glad! Thanks for reviewing~ '3'

And remember, stay tuned for chapter four and review if you wanna!

 _chu~_


	4. Chapter IV: Three's Company

**_Disclaimer_** _—_ I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Fandoms of Fanfiction. And to the lawyers for which law stands: one franchise, I'm under oath with a lack of invisibility...with...wait—okay, I don't own Fairy Tail or any of the characters included in said anime-package. Please, don't sue me.

* * *

I'm waiting for someone who can make me feel something like never before

 _—_ Like Ooh-aah by TWICE  
 _._

 _._

 _Day IV, 10:58am_

 _._

Even though she was a (highly unwanted) occupant of Natsu's apartment for only a few days, Lucy—for some strange reason—still felt she had every right to control it (and him) as if she were the queen of the world.

And Natsu was growing sick of it.

 **Exhibit A** : nine dreadful hours ago, Natsu had been happily surfing the web for any articles pertaining to his father's company (he'd been gone for four days after all. Did it burn down? Did it explode? Did the bubonic plague spontaneously resurface and vanquish every working employee in sight? Natsu wouldn't know. He was dead) when suddenly—

"Let's get matching nipple rings."

Natsu shoved Lucy off of his couch ("how about no") and went back to scanning his screen.

"Come on," Lucy whined, poking him in his side. "If we get matching nipple rings, no one will ever doubt our relationship."

He swatted her hand away. "There are other ways to make sure that never happens, Lucy. Like, I don't know, simply _not_ making it obvious that we're a fake couple?"

"But—"

"No."

"What about—"

" _No_."

"Seriously—"

"Read my lips. En-oh."

It was quiet after that. And if Natsu hadn't been distracted by an article discussing some new and rapidly growing company named Toho Corps. (a potential rival? An enemy of Ryuu Inc.? A threat to his throne as the Business World Prince? Natsu wouldn't know. He was dead), he probably would've noticed Lucy glaring the seven hells out of him.

But he _was_ distracted, of course.

And he _didn't_ notice, of course.

Until it was too late and Lucy was already slamming his laptop shut, tossing it aside (he could hear its soft mechanical cry of pain as it slammed into a wall), pouncing onto his lap, and hissing at him with reddened eyes.

"You," she said sharply, " _will_ do as I say. We won't get matching nipple rings, but we _will_ at least get matching tattoos." She snapped her fangs for good measure and Natsu raised his hands in defense, nodding furiously. "Good."

And just like that, she was smiling. All wide and bright and totally not like she was just about to visually castrate him. She tumbled off of his lap and stood before him, pulling a neon-colored flyer from her bra.

 _Scarlet's Octopus House_ , it read in a hideous Comic Sans font.

She set it down on the coffee table, dainty fingers straightening the crinkled edges with unnecessary (and possibly mocking?) grace. "I set our appointment for tomorrow evening," she chirped, skipping away.

Natsu could only sit there.

And that was the end of that.

 **Exhibit B** : four dreadful hours ago, Natsu had been happily taking a calming shower (he needed it. God, had he needed it), when Lucy suddenly barged into his bathroom and—

"Do you have any dead bodies in your fridge?"

Natsu screamed so loudly, he was sure his neighbors would call the cops that time around ( _please, please call the cops this time around_ ).

Lucy rolled her eyes, hands on her hips as she demanded, "find me some food. I haven't eaten anything in days." She eyed his silhouette through the shower curtain. "Anything decent anyways."

Ignoring how mean she was being to his poor unbeating heart, Natsu peeked his head out and frowned. "Do you mind?"

"Nah." She gave him a dismissive wave. "I talk to Erza while she showers all the time."

"No, I mean like...do you _mind_?" He gestured with his head at whatever he was hiding behind the shower curtain and gave her a look.

Lucy returned it with a quirk of her brow. "I just told you I don't mind."

"Forget it. Just...get out, would you?" Natsu went back to his shower, shampoo bottle already in hand (it was lemon scented. His secret favorite). "And before you ask again, no I am not getting you a fucking human body to _devour_. You've harmed enough defenseless civilians this week. Now buh-bye. Adios. Sayonara. This is my Me time."

And then came that deathly silence again. He should've known (fuck, he should've known), but once again, he was distracted. If he hadn't been paying so much attention to lathering his wonderfully expensive shampoo into his beautiful scalp (two scrubs to the right, thumb swivel at the back, two scrubs to the left, pinky swivel at the front, repeat) he probably would've heard Lucy carelessly knocking his hamper over as she stormed his way.

But he _was_ distracted, of course.

And he _didn't_ hear her of course.

Until it was too _damn_ late and Lucy was already flinging his curtain open, silencing his screech of surprise with a squeeze of her hand around his throat (he could faintly hear his radical side telling him to karate chop her in the spleen, but then his rational side quickly reminded him that he never even took karate so he'd probably just end up hurting himself), pushing him against the shower wall, and hissing at him with those way-too-familiar-by-this-point reddened eyes.

"I," she said sharply, " _will_ get what I want. I won't make you get a human body for me today, but you _will_ get me a bird or a mouse or _something_." She licked her fangs for good measure and Natsu meeped, bowing his head. "Good."

 _Déjà vu_ , Natsu thought numbly as Lucy smiled that disarming smile once again and back-stepped out of his tub.

She winked at him, giving his body a creepy once-over ("I knew you were muscular") before twirling out of his bathroom with an elegant wave and an unbefitting sugary sweet giggle of sunshine and flowers.

Natsu could only stand there, shielding his family jewels with quivering hands.

And that was the end of that.

 **Exhibit C** took place two hours ago (and, in retrospect, honestly wasn't that bad). Natsu had been staring blankly at himself in his bedroom mirror, lips set in a grim line as an existential crisis raged within him ( _why am I still alive_ , _why did I come back_ , _what's my_ _life..._ afterlife _purpose_ , _when did I even buy this mirror_ ), when suddenly—

"Hey. Let me suck on you."

Natsu flinched, eyes breaking away from his (gory 80's slasher fic-esque) reflection. "You could've worded that sentence in any other way, and yet…"

"Whatever." Lucy staggered to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, leaning her weight on him. "I feel like shit. I...really really feel like shit," she groaned, her lips forming the words into his back. "I'm positively starving."

Natsu made a sound of realization. "Is that why you've been such a bi—"

"Please don't finish that sentence. I don't wanna have to kill you," she warily brought a hand up to caress his neck, "again."

A shiver ran down Natsu's spine, and he quickly slapped Lucy's hand away, spinning around to glare down at her. "Stop bringing that up. Please."

"I feel like I should apologize, but I am just way too hungry to be nice right now. So...as I said before," she stood on the tips of her toes (recently painted a gross olive green) and held his gaze, " _let me suck on you_."

His answer came instantly. "No."

But Lucy apparently took that as an eager _yes omg take me now, my vampire queen_ and buried her face into Natsu's neck anyways, nuzzling the pale skin as she inhaled deeply. "Thank you. I owe you one."

"What? But I said no—"

She bit him just above his reinforcements, the pain (should he even dub it as pain?) dull and waning with each of her needy swallows. Natsu could only stand there, his hands shaking as they rested on her waist.

After a few moments: "are you…" he blinked dumbly, "are you done?"

And Lucy replied with a soft moan, arms tightening around him.

Natsu couldn't speak Feeding Vampire, so he simply muttered an _alrighty then_ and continued to let Lucy have her wild way with him. He honestly couldn't tell whether or not he was angry that Lucy was using him this way. Or scared that he was just letting it happen. Or relieved that, after satisfying her thirst, Lucy wouldn't boss him around as harshly anymore. Maybe he was all three combined? Maybe one more than the other two. Maybe two more than one. God, he didn't know. He just…

"Okay. Okay, I'm done." Lucy sighed, her breath cold as it ghosted across his skin, effectively tearing him from his thoughts. She reluctantly pulled away, eyes closed and lips tinted a deep ebony. She nodded slowly before peeking up at him (Natsu nearly cried in relief when he finally saw those two shining chocolate orbs).

(Were they always that pretty?)

Natsu awkwardly cleared his throat and took two giant steps back. "So…uh, you good now?"

"Oh no, of course not. I need to feed on at least three bodies to be completely _good_." She laughed right in his stupefied face. "But! You did help me settle down, so thanks for that, I guess. Didn't mean to get so grumpy with you. It just happens when I'm hungry."

"Haha, then that means you were..." Natsu wiggled his eyebrows, " _hangry_."

And Lucy took two giant steps back of her own, face crumbling with disappointment. "Scratch that. I take back my apology. You deserve all the pain I put you through if you dare to make corny jokes like that."

Natsu held a hand to his chest. " _Aw_. And here I thought we were finally becoming friends."

"Friends?" Lucy seemed to be testing the word out. "But friends don't give each other handjobs."

Natsu choked on air. "Woah! Hey. _Hey_!" And he pointed a finger at her. "No. Bad Lucy. That was merely a moment of weakness on my part. Because y-you...you seduced me—yeah. Yeah, with your magical vampire charms. _The_ Natsu Dragneel would never ever do something so...so…"

"We should do it again some time."

His answer came instantly. "Okay." But then he furiously shook his head, eyes bulging out of their sockets as he eyed Lucy up and down. "Vampire charms," he squeaked, "gaht-damn vampire charms," and practically ran from his room.

In his haste to retreat, he missed Lucy's small smile and her quiet whisper of, "yeah. Definitely hot sauce."

 **Exhibit D** happened roughly an hour later when Natsu foolishly thought he'd be safe from anymore misfortunes because Lucy was okay and didn't want to make him her dinner anymore and god had he wished he'd been right. Just for once.

His doorbell was being rung incessantly by whomever was on the other side (which really should've been _no one_ because, according to his father, Dragneel's were too superior to the rest of the world to ever get visitors), and while Natsu was commanding Lucy to "step away from the door because it could be an assassin hired by Toho Corp. since they totally want to dethrone me," Lucy simply stuck her tongue out at him and pranced over to the door.

"He could have a gun!" Natsu attempted one more time.

Lucy smirked and slowly reached for the locks.

"Or...or a knife!"

She unlocked both of them at once.

"Hell, Lucy he could even have pepper spray. Get away from—"

And before she could open it herself, the door violently swung open with a mighty metallic moan and—

" ** _Zombie_**!"

Natsu suddenly went blind.

His chest began to tickle as something sharp penetrated his skin.

And the distant sound of a gun being fired reached his ears before he fainted into a heap of flesh.

Oh, how ironic it was.

Natsu was finally right.

* * *

Natsu never wanted to be right ever again.

"Lucy...baby, I am so sorry."

This was the third time he'd been knocked out in his own home. The second time he was waking up like this (all achy and full of confusion and regrets). But the very first time he ever heard this...voice.

"I just—when Erza called me and told me you were stuck with a zombie, I...I freaked out, okay?" The man's voice quivered, and if Natsu actually gave a fuck about who this dude was, he'd probably give him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "I haven't heard from you in forever, Lucy. Imagine how scared I was when I found out an abomination like... _that_ was holding my princess hostage." Okay, scratch that. This guy could go to hell.

Natsu heard Lucy sigh, "Ultear—"

"It's Gray."

"Right. Look. It's nice of you to care about me so much. Really, I'm so grateful to have a friend like you. But you shouldn't have shot, stabbed, _and_ maced the poor kid with pepper spray. I'm running out of thread, you know. Plus, you didn't even say hi first. That's my boyfriend right there."

"B-boyfriend?!" UltearGrayLyon (whoever whatever) sputtered. "What do you mean boyfriend? You...you can't possibly be dating him. Not only is it gross, but it's also a **huge** step down from—"

"Don't even say that guy's name," Lucy growled, and Natsu mentally cheered because haha he wasn't the only being bullied by Lucy today. "Let's just drop this subject, alright? Natsu is my boyfriend and I really like him. Try to he nice when he wakes up, okay?"

"Make me."

"Lyon—"

"It's Gray," the man corrected and Lucy gave him an awkward laugh.

"Right. You just have so many names that I sometimes forget which is your real one."

"It's fine. Common mistake." He snorted, and Natsu could _feel_ him eyeing his prone body with utter hatred and disgust. "Just like your current taste in men."

"Yuichi—"

"It's Gray." This man was so patient.

" _Be nice_."

"I don't have to be nice yet. He's not even awake."

Natsu took that golden opportunity one would only find in movies to open his eyes and let out a loud and extremely fake yawn. He sat up from his place on the living room floor (fucking typical that no one would think to move him somewhere more comfortable) and gave UltearLyonGrayYuichi a stupid grin. "Hi."

The man jumped at the sound of Natsu's voice, twisting in his seat to gawk at his rising from. "H-how long have you been awake?"

"Long enough to know that you don't like me, short enough to _not_ know why you're in my house."

UltearLyonGrayYuichi cleared his throat and somehow possessed the decency to look embarrassed. "Uh...yeah," he began and scratched the back of his neck, "my apologies. I didn't mean for your first impression of me to be so...negative."

"Well," Natsu held out his hand, a polite smile (that took him years to perfect) gracing his features, "since your first impression of me was negative, I'd say it's only fair that I _also_ think you're a gross abomination who doesn't deserve Lucy's time, correct?"

"I...I guess." The man blushed and shook Natsu's hand. "Gray Fullbuster. I'm Lucy's friend of thirty-three years."

Natsu hid his surprise behind a mask of professionalism ( _just like Papa D taught ya_ ). "Natsu Dragneel. I'm Lucy's boyfriend of six years."

At his strong declaration, Lucy nearly choked on the carton of _strawberry milk_ (wink wink, nudge nudge) Gray had bought her. "S-six—what?"

Gray's eyebrows lowered in suspicion and Lucy hastily caught herself.

"I mean, don't you mean _seven_ years, Natsu honey darling pie? Our anniversary was four months ago!"

"My, how could I have forgotten. I'm such a silly man when it comes down to you, Lucy sweetie pumpkin cake."

They both laughed (Natsu internally cried).

And Gray simply pouted. "Wow. So that's how long I've been out of the loop. I didn't even know you got over L—"

Lucy cut him off with an elbow jab into his arm. "Upupup. _Don't_ say his name."

"Oh, come now, baby. You've already got this guy here," _as monstrous as he is_ , "why are you still upset hearing L—"

"Newton, shut up," the vampire whispered hotly, and elbowed him again.

The ebony-haired man keeled over with laughter, eyes watering as he wheezed, "it's Gray."

Natsu looked on at the pair as they continued to go back and forth, Gray threatening to say the dreaded name of Lucy's stolen crush aloud (not that he was curious about that. Nope. Nuh-uh) and Lucy elbowing random parts of his body. Natsu probably would've found the sight amusing (and maybe even a little comforting because wow this was the most normal thing he'd seen in awhile) if things didn't suddenly get really fucking weird after that.

It happened in the blink of an eye.

One moment, Natsu was gearing up to genuinely smile at Gray and Lucy's childish antics.

The next, Lucy was accidentally elbowing Gray in the head.

Before (believe him when he said _in the blink of an eye_ ) Natsu wasn't looking at _Gray_ anymore.

"Shit, I didn't mean to hit you there! Are you okay? Oh, don't tell me…" Lucy gently shook her friend's limp body, hands gripping at his shoulders. "Gray. You good? Gray?"

Natsu was sure Gray Fullbuster had just died (would it be too soon to celebrate?), and in a way, he was right. Because, within a second, Lucy's wrists were locked in a shiny pair of handcuffs, she was bent over the back of his sofa, and standing over her with a heroic glint in his eyes was a silver-haired man that strangely resembled Natsu's building receptionist.

"Lyon Vastia, agent 60-A of the Tok Squad," he announced into his wristwatch ( _a communicator_ , Natsu noted). He spread her legs with his knee, his unoccupied hand struggling to keep Lucy's jerking body still. "Miss Heartfilia, you are under arrest for code violation 0126 of sector J in your supernatural handbook, biting of a public figure without consent; code violation 0206 of sector Y, murdering of a public figure without permission; code violation 0218 of sector C, failure to report misconduct to higher-up officials; and code violation 0604 of sector M, failure to report discovery of previously unfounded supernatural creature to higher-up officials. You have the right to remain—"

Lucy quickly shut him up by flipping her lithe body around and kicking him square in the nuts.

Gray—no. _Lyon_ 's eyes rolled back into his head at the burst of pain, and his body crashed onto the floor in a twitching mess.

Natsu narrowed his eyes. "What the actual hell."

Lucy merely shrugged, taking another long sip from her carton. "Gray's a soul-shifter. Sort of triggered his change when I jabbed him in the temple. This happens a lot, trust me."

"No thanks."

She pretended as if he said nothing at all as she stepped over a whimpering Lyon and closed the distance between them. "The whole arrest-thing was new. I haven't seen Lyon in a while, so maybe he's just venting because he missed me."

Natsu took a step back as Lucy got closer. "That didn't sound like venting. That sounded like a legitimate warrant for your arrest."

"Are you a cop?"

"No."

"Then he was just venting." Lucy grabbed onto Natsu's collar with her teeth, dragging him towards her as she gave him a mischievous look. "Now...how's about we put these cuffs to better use, huh?"

Natsu gulped.

* * *

Natsu groaned.

"Not gonna lie, this isn't what I had in mind, but I am not complaining."

 **Exhibit E** lasted for twelve long excruciating hours.

Five minutes after Lucy gave him a look that promised an afternoon of sooooo much pleasure (pleasure that he sooooo wouldn't enjoy of course because it was caused by evil vampire charms), three minutes after Lucy managed to escape her handcuffs that would be used for "fun experiments of the near future," one minute after a fierce make-out session, and two-point-nine seconds after both of their shirts hit the floor, a stampeding parade of crisply-suited men bumrushed his apartment and deemed it a quarantined zone.

They locked Lucy and Natsu in the laundry room (which _of course_ was the smallest room in his house, besides the goddamn closets). Taped it off with caution signs. And warned them through the door not to do anything remotely alarming that may force someone to burst in and shoot their heads off. Their words, not his.

Natsu probably wouldn't have been that upset about the whole situation had Lyon not been tossed in there with them (now Gray after hitting his head against the sink whilst being _literally tossed in_ ) and had the three of them not been handcuffed...

...to each other.

"Mm," Lucy hummed, "me and Natsu. Handcuffed together. In a tight space. Ooo, _and_ with a spectator. This is so kinky.

Natsu closed his eyes. "Please stop."

"This is all my fault," Gray heaved. "If Lyon hadn't taken over, he wouldn't have reported your crimes to Headquarters, and I wouldn't be stuck here with you and Frankenstein over there." At Lucy's glare, Gray hurriedly amended his words. "Not that there's anything wrong with being stuck with you and your freak, baby."

Natsu expertly ignored him. "Lucy, do you know who those guys are out there? I'm pretty sure they're here for you."

Before Lucy could answer (probably with a one-sided shrug and a snort), Gray cut her off, tone bored as he breezily replied, "those are just Lyon's annoying fuckboys." Natsu didn't know what he expected to hear, but yeah. It definitely wasn't that. "They all work for the J-SPN Department, you see—sort of like the police department those humans have, except made for the supernatural, way more annoying, really stupid, and _boy_ do they hate me. You know they once tried to arrest my other self for indecent exposure? Like. She's a stripper. That's her job. So you best believe she put up a fight when they barged into her nightclub and—"

"Okay wow. _Wow_. Shut up," Natsu interrupted with a grimace. He mentally swore that if his hands weren't tied behind his back, he would've definitely cut his ears off with how much Gray was blabbering. "I just wanted to know one thing. Now I've learned that you're a part-time stripper. Thank you. Totally needed that image in my head."

Gray looked positively appalled. " _I'm_ not a stripper. Ultear is."

"Well, you're all the same to me," Lucy supplied and Natsu wished he could high-five her.

" _Well_ , we aren't," Gray instantly shot back (as if he'd had this argument with Lucy a million times already). "We just share the same... _being_ , I guess." At Lucy and Natsu's uninterested expressions, he shifted his body awkwardly. "Look, I don't know how we work, alright? It's hard to explain. We're all connected, yeah, but we don't have similar bodies. Or identities. And we definitely don't have similar minds. If we did, Lyon's fuckboys would be much nicer to me, I would know more about supernatural history like Ultear does, Newton would legally change his name, Yuichi would become a voice actor for a gum commercial or something with how sexy his voice is, and—"

Natsu unmuted his cochleas and sat up. "Hold up, what? Repeat that!"

"Yuichi has a sexy voice so he—"

"No," Natsu growled (he could now see why Gray and Lucy were friends), "the part before that!"

"...Newton has an outdated name so—"

By this point, Natsu looked ready to implode at her best friend's density, so Lucy carefully stepped in and explained, "I think he's referring to the Ultear bit, Lyon."

"It's Gray. And why Ultear? Supernatural history is a boring topic to expound on."

"Yeah, maybe to _you_ , but to me, it's kind of important." He wiggled his constricted arms for emphasis. "Or did you forget that we're _quarantined_ in my fucking laundry room because those idiots out there don't understand what I am?"

"Oh, is that why? I thought it was because of your creepy hair color."

"Gray, stop it," Lucy scolded lightly. Natsu was so relieved to have her around. "Keep messing around with him and he's going to eat your brain." Nevermind. Just fuck it. Why must he always speak too soon?

"I don't know what Ultear knows though," the soul-shifter said. "We only meet up when we're asleep, and even then she doesn't tell me much."

Natsu scoffed. "Useless stripper boy."

"Baby," Gray whined, "Freakazoid is making fun of me."

Lucy gave Natsu a disapproving frown, and if she could, he was sure she would've waggled her finger at him. "Boyfriend, don't make fun of Gray. He's our only way out of here."

"He started it," Natsu grumbled petulantly.

"Nuh-uh, _you_ did by defiling my precious princess."

"Oh no, Lucy is **anything** but a princess, buddy," Natsu snapped and Gray reeled back in second-hand offense. "She nearly broke my trachea earlier today because she wanted to eat a fucking bird!"

Lucy reeled back in first-hand offense. "I told you I was hungry!"

"I told you I was showering!"

"You made her see you naked?!" Gray screeched. "Pervert! Poisoning my Lucy's pure eyes with your hideous corpse body!"

"I'm the pervert? You're a stripper!" Natsu barked, disregarding Gray's irritated reminder that Ultear was the stripper. "And pure? _Pure_? I laugh at your ignorance!" He laughed. "I'll have you know, Lucy gave me an awesome handjob in a movie theater yesterday and we've made out _twice_ already! Both instances started by her initiation!"

"Egad!" Gray was three seconds away from having a heart attack in his brain. He turned his attention to Lucy, eyes beseeching. "Tell me it's not true, baby. Tell me you didn't do such filthy things with that garbage creature!"

Lucy didn't answer him, instead focusing on Natsu and the _oh shit I did not just say that_ expression on his face. "Weren't we supposed to not bring that up anymore?"

Natsu bit his lip. "Um."

"Wait, you thought it was awesome?"

" _Um_."

"Hey, don't ignore me!" Gray burst his way back into the conversation, legs flailing all over the place. "Answer the question, Lucy!"

The vampire turned a deaf ear to her friend yet again (to his utter dismay), smirking at Natsu's frozen features. "Man...I really wish my hands weren't tied right now."

And that's when Gray officially lost his sanity ("Noooo _ooo_ _o **ooo**_!") as well as his consciousness. Natsu shook his head at the limp sausage of a man passed out in front of him. He secretly hoped that wasn't how _he_ appeared whenever he fainted, all lame and silly-looking. Such a pitiful picture.

It took hours for Gray to finally wake up from his stress-induced coma, as Lucy gently called it (and he had the nerve to call _her_ princess), and when he did, he was once again no longer _Gray_.

Natsu rolled his eyes at the rousing form of a slim short-haired woman, clothes baggy and sliding down her shoulders. _This must be Ultear_ , he thought wearily, and by Lucy's loud squeal of delight, he was correct.

It took a while for the introductions to get out of the way. Lucy had refused to stop talking about trivial things (like her one trip to the zoo that she totally wished Ultear could've gone on and how shitty Natsu's human blood tasted and _oh my god do you like my pedicure? I did it myself_ ) and by the time Ultear even noticed she was in an unfamiliar setting, handcuffed to and sitting near some dude she never even met before, Natsu was preparing to bite his tongue off and hope for the best.

"Oh. Oh my," Ultear whispered in awe. Her eyes slowly roamed down his body, blinking rapidly in wonder, before finally landing on the two bitemarks embedded into his neck. "Oooh my. This is strange."

 _You're strange_ , Natsu wanted to retort, but kept his mouth shut as Ultear continued to gape at him.

"He's a zombie," she eventually said, as if neither Lucy nor Natsu knew that. She glanced between them, failing miserably to keep her amazement at bay. "You killed him, didn't you? And he didn't die. He came back...like this. And now he's a zombie."

Lucy nodded in affirmation and asked her wise friend of wisdom if she had any clue as to what was going on.

"Okay." Ultear licked her lips. "This phenomenon is _very_ uncommon. Hell, the last time it happened was probably hundreds of years ago. To see this now...well damn, I might need a drink."

"Do you like laundry detergent?" Natsu bitterly offered and Lucy kicked his foot.

But Ultear payed no mind to his words (or maybe she hadn't even heard him) because she was still staring at him as if he were the greatest thing since buttered toast. "Before I was an...entertainer," she smiled faintly, "I was a seamstress down in the countryside. I heard a lot of stories from the old men there that everyone had sworn went senile, and the legend of zombies was definitely a popular one. I didn't believe them at first, of course, but seeing you... _wow_. You're amazing."

Natsu could feel Lucy straighten her back at Ultear's unabashed compliment (combo'd with her glittering eyes and light swoons), but the normally fiesty vampire didn't say a word.

That was a good thing, right?

"You guys aren't what most think you are," Ultear continued, blind to everything and everyone but the man seated across from her. "You aren't corpses, per se, because you _are_ alive. You're simply...tainted with death. I mean, you can move, think, talk, _bleed_. Gosh, if anything, you're closer to being human than vampires are."

Lucy pouted. "Should I feel offended?"

"No, just jealous," Natsu sang proudly right before Lucy shoved him with her shoulder.

Ultear watched his body teeter too far to the left and into the floor with an amused laugh. However, she quickly regained her composure with a cough, voice serious once again. "From what I've heard, zombies aren't harmful creatures. You don't kill for fun like most supernatural creatures do and you only eat when you _really_ need to."

Natsu peered up at her from where his cheek became one with his tiles. "So…"

"So yes, you will have to eat a brain at some point." Natsu looked as if he wanted to cry, vomit, and jump out of a window at the same time (what a nauseating sight that would be), but Ultear soon attempted to reassure him, "just one would leave you sated for a few months though, unlike vampires who need to eat every few days."

"Again with the comparisons?" Lucy complained with an irritable scrunch of her nose.

"Bet you wish you were a zombie, huh?" Natsu cackled right before Lucy flopped her body down onto his. He let out an _oof_ at the sudden weight and was ever so thankful that he no longer needed air in his lungs for he surely would've lost all of it at that very moment.

"Don't get too happy though," came Ultear's husky voice. Natsu twisted his body around to get a proper look at her, Lucy dragged along with him. "Zombies are extremely weak. Their limps can literally break off at any moment, so I suggest—"

"Been there, done that."

Ultear's brows raised. "Oh. Oh well then...um." She stumbled to find the right words to say. "T-there's not much else that I know about zombies that I can remember at the moment. Sorry."

"No, don't be." Natsu grinned thankfully. "You've been more of a help to me than any of the other weirdos I've met so far."

"I-it's no big deal," Ultear stammered, a light blush decorating her cheeks (something Lucy would've had to have been blind to miss). "I'm glad I could help."

"So I'm safe, right? Meaning we shouldn't be quarantined anymore?"

The older woman shrugged, her jacket barely hanging on. "Pretty much."

"Great," Lucy suddenly exclaimed before facing the door and yelling at the top of her lungs, "hey fuckboys! Open up!"

Natsu wanted to smack himself. "Lucy, that's not going to make them—"

The door opened and a head peeked into the room. "Somebody call?" The guard looked around the room curiously before his eyes spotted Ultear seated in a corner. "Oh. You're here."

She tilted her head his way. "Wassup Mickey."

The man opened his mouth to say something but Lucy (being the impatient vampire she was) spoke before he could. "You," she called to him, "this girl knows a lot of stuff. She can tell you all you need to know about zombies and why they shouldn't be locked up in their laundry rooms for supposed safety purposes."

"Is that so?" Mickey asked and pushed the door open a bit wider, revealing his group of men huddled around him. At their eager expressions, Lucy and Natsu knew they were going to finally be let out (Gray was right. They _were_ a bunch of idiots).

An hour or two passed before Natsu was given the all clear by Lyon's fuckboys. Upon learning that he was a "specimen as rare as a human of royal blood" (genius words by the genius Ultear), they were more than happy to free him and his friends from their enchanted handcuffs.

One of them even asked for his autograph.

After they had emptied his _way too small for this shit_ apartment of the dozen well-suited beefcakes, they could all finally take a much needed breath of air. The trio sighed as they all plopped onto Natsu's couch, their feet kicked up onto the coffee table, uncaring of the neon green flyer they were re-crinckling.

"So…" Ultear crooned as she oh so subtly leaned her head on Natsu's shoulder. "I could tell you more about the supernatural world one day...if you'd like."

Natsu lifted his other shoulder in nonchalance (that Lucy quickly lowered back down with her own head). "That'd actually be really cool. You're the best, Ultear," he said, his smile geuine as he went on. "Kind of wish I met you before Gray and that other psycho."

"Yeah. That would've been nice." Ultear fluttered her lashes cutely and the unbefitting sugary sweet smile of sunshine and flowers that Lucy sent her way went unnoticed by the both of them. "You know, Natsu...you're kinda cute for a zombie. Think we can maybe, I don't know, go—"

Out of nowhere, Natsu's television remote went zooming past his vision at the fucking speed of light and straight into the middle of Ultear's forehead. The skin there was a dangerous shade of red as the perfect weapon of choice dropped to the carpet. Ultear's eyes crossed and rolled back into her skull as she gracelessly fell into the couch pillows.

"Dear, where ever did that come from?"

Natsu whirled on the innocently whistling vampire seated to his left. And then Gray was up and glaring at her from behind him, a lovely button-pad shaped bruise forming right above his nose. "Lucy, what the _fuck_?!" they both screamed.

"Gray, go and tell Ultear that she sucks on so many different levels," Lucy demanded with a sneer, "and that Natsu is _mine_."

"W-what are you implying, Lucy? That Ultear...no." The soul-shifter gagged. "No way. **No** —"

"Boyfriend." Lucy planted her palms on Natsu's chest, face so close to his that he could see his reflection in those annoyingly beautiful eyes of hers. "Kiss me. Now."

Natsu mouth fell open. "But wait I—" and whatever words he wanted to say were smothered by Lucy's soft lips against his. Although he would never admit it, especially to himself (he shall forever blame the vampire charms), Natsu found himself melting into her arms, returning her kiss as if he were born to do so (don't quote him on that, please and thank you).

From somewhere behind them, Gray was sobbing something intelligible into the night sky. "My corneas! Gah, baby why?!"

(It was music to Natsu's ears).

So yeah, even though she wasa ( **highly** unwanted) occupant of Natsu's apartment for only a few days, Lucy—for some strange strange reason—still felt she had every right to control it (and him) as if she were the queen of the world...no, the _universe_.

And by now...Natsu was growing used to it.

.

 _Day V, 1:42am_

.

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㈌8 ɞ ㈌7 **To Be Continued** ㈌7 ʚ ㈌8

* * *

 ** _Author's Note_** : Um. I love you guys? Okay, look. I can explain.

Well, no not really. But just know that I never forgot about this story in the seven months I've been gone. Actually, I've been writing and re-writing this same damn chapter this entire time, and I never liked how it came out. Seriously, I have so many duds. I might upload them one day so you can see how much I struggled writing this. But hey. I'm back now. Maybe not for long (heheheh) but I am back. If you've read my profile, I officially decided to just screw it and upload whatever I write for this story so I won't make you guys wait so long. So...if this chapter is trash (which I really think it is OTL) then I'm sorry!

Moving on.

 ** _Author's Response_** : woohoo! Most reviews last chapter (lol probably because I've been gone for over half a year. Myyyy baaaaad~)

 _ImFaMOOSE_ — thank you for reviewing! I wonder if you'll come back lol

 _Poopsickle. Stick_ — can I just say you have the best username ever?

 _TheDorkyCelestialFlame_ — I appreciate that you enjoy my awful humor XD I wish my friends thought like you!

 _Meowie07_ — I'm late (again, shocker shocker) but here you go~

 _Artkid_ — what a lovely review! Thank you so much. And did I really nail it? Woooow never thought I'd hear that, but thanks again anyways. You're so nice X0

 _ftx777x_ — hope it still is

 _NaLuxBuckets_ — you've waited so long. I'm so sorry TT

 _Guest_ — she dyes it. I really need to clarify that better. I suck at explaining junk :(

 _artistofthemind_ — so I've been told! Seriously don't believe it though

 _midpervy_ — I WILL NEVER WRITE A FULL BLOWN LEMON. Noooo way. Then I'd really be embarrassing myself lol. Thank you for your sweet review. I'll be updating my other stories soon, so please wait patiently for those 3

 _BaconDaUnicorn_ — nope! Maybe a little, but not all the way! I can't just drop this story. It's my baby...even though I neglect it a whole bunch. Woops

 _Yourstruly_ — lmaooooo you know, it's your review that really motivated me to finally re-write this chapter and upload it. I thought, "damn has it really been that long?" and eyed my calendar so hard XP So thank you for your review. I truly appreciate it

 _CuteKitty264_ — is it still amazing? ;(

 _XxxxangelwithashotgunxxxX_ — BAM! Hitting you with this ninja update!

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 _EhrienYuan01_ — THANK YOU! I HAVE NOW FINALLY UPDATED! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

And there we go, folks! Man, I haven't done any of this is a long while. Anyways, remember my loves, stay tuned for chapter five and review if you wanna!

 _chu~_


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